Ogygia

empty canister, not looking 4 love

Ellie — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 07:36:08 +0000

hollowhollowhollowhollowhollowhollow

After reading nekron’s friend’s lj & comments therein, I am convinced that my lack of appreciation of ‘good music’ (read: his music) is why he’ll get over me pretty quickly, if not already. The main reason. The other reason is because I don’t get that whole laundry thing or that whole respect thing–I’m immature for my age. I’m not open-minded about songs about bjs. I wasn’t into Bette Davis previously, and I think photos of vintage nudes are gay. I’m not into cool shit generally. I don’t define myself by anything, and have no taste. [I am sure he is surprised that a 19 year old is better than me. I am surprised. But something in me doesn't care. Vintage nudes are gay and sentimental. Lemme lick sum despair.]

All I had going for me was my face anyway. Which is, honestly, how it always is.

Because I’m fucking retarded.

I’m honestly into nothing but myself

Ellie — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 07:18:00 +0000

I give up fighting and I’m okay with that. She can think what she wants. I’ll just take an OxyContin or something.

Can’t control shit.

Can control life.

Yes, baby.

Ellie — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:46:04 +0000

i hate my father

he is indifferent to me

o lord, i am RECEPTIVE to any changes you want to fertilize in me

Ellie — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 08:27:36 +0000

am i a crazy person or a decent person?

which do i want to be?

which has the best prospects?

become

Ellie — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 08:16:46 +0000

how do i package myself?
and as what?

where are you?

you don’t know what you are

Ellie — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 08:13:12 +0000

and that’s your biggest strength

i didn’t cheat on you and i am clean and you are clean

Ellie — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 08:11:18 +0000

i need to write a book and produce and produce and produce
nothing is stopping me except a thin skin and a spongelike personality

all i want is to be myself, and to learn, and to create

i am one of millions of ambitious young fetuses

my consciousness has been raised

Ellie — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:33:49 +0000

feel messed up in an intense way
i may be becoming an adult

maybe able to think again

caught up in the legitimacy of other people’s feelings and perspectives, and how beautiful and deep human experience is

half a person

Ellie — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 08:05:37 +0000

remember april 21

found you

the smiths

one night stand that became seven months long

allowed myself to feel once more tonight
so i continue going through life
skills unhoned
scraping by
no cure for my disease

how to live?

devil’s in the details

Ellie — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:05:05 +0000

to cut up

to order

to make sense of

to straighten

to narrow

to polish

to harden