empty canister, not looking 4 love

hollowhollowhollowhollowhollowhollow

After reading nekron’s friend’s lj & comments therein, I am convinced that my lack of appreciation of ‘good music’ (read: his music) is why he’ll get over me pretty quickly, if not already.  The main reason.  The other reason is because I don’t get that whole laundry thing or that whole respect thing–I’m immature for my age.  I’m not open-minded about songs about bjs.  I wasn’t into Bette Davis previously, and I think photos of vintage nudes are gay.  I’m not into cool shit generally.  I don’t define myself by anything, and have no taste.  [I am sure he is surprised that a 19 year old is better than me.  I am surprised.  But something in me doesn't care.  Vintage nudes are gay and sentimental.  Lemme lick sum despair.]

All I had going for me was my face anyway.  Which is, honestly, how it always is.

Because I’m fucking retarded.

I’m honestly into nothing but myself

I give up fighting and I’m okay with that.  She can think what she wants.  I’ll just take an OxyContin or something.

Can’t control shit.

Can control life.

Yes, baby.

i hate my father

he is indifferent to me

o lord, i am RECEPTIVE to any changes you want to fertilize in me

am i a crazy person or a decent person?

which do i want to be?

which has the best prospects?

become

how do i package myself?
and as what?

where are you?

you don’t know what you are

and that’s your biggest strength

i didn’t cheat on you and i am clean and you are clean

i need to write a book and produce and produce and produce
nothing is stopping me except a thin skin and a spongelike personality

all i want is to be myself, and to learn, and to create

i am one of millions of ambitious young fetuses

my consciousness has been raised

feel messed up in an intense way
i may be becoming an adult

maybe able to think again

caught up in the legitimacy of other people’s feelings and perspectives, and how beautiful and deep human experience is

half a person

remember april 21

found you

the smiths

one night stand that became seven months long

---

allowed myself to feel once more tonight
so i continue going through life
skills unhoned
scraping by
no cure for my disease

how to live?

devil’s in the details

to cut up

to order

to make sense of

to straighten

to narrow

to polish

to harden