sorry

lindsay lohan in my dreams

sign of lingering guilt

t-t-t-t-touch me

sorry about that, millie

sorry about that, bryn

what i will never tell him

what he will never know, is that, i liked it, and then, immediately, oh god what have i done.

an action done out of resentment.  resentment no longer exists.  no reason to start more drama.

i still do think about her, idly, but she’s a lindsay lohan, not sure why.  I don’t really even want her in my life.

devil’s in the details

to cut up

to order

to make sense of

to straighten

to narrow

to polish

to harden

固まる katamaru

to harden; to solidify; to become firm; to become certain.

yes.

閉める [しめる]
(v1,vt) to close; to shut

清まる [きよまる]
(v5r) to be purified; to be cleansed

Hello Ellie,

look at my weird handwriting.  I like writing in all caps.  When i first started using AOL in about 1994, I would use all caps.  The scorn that fell upon me as a result quickly corrected my faux pas.  I’ve barely capitalized a single word since!  Can you believe it!?!  I used to chat about Trent Reznor… and Trent Reznor.  Anyway, I wanted my package to be accompanied by a letter, particularly since you had expressed some desire to receive something handwritten.  Do you like graph paper? I do.  Am I the smartest boyfriend you’ve ever had?  Does this graph paper make me look more academic and calculated?

I want you t know that I have let you in more deeply into my being than I have ever let someone in before at suce a rate.  Even in my single prior “whirlwind” type engage-ment (not as in marriage), I did not bare my soul, nor allow such profound entrance into my most sacred of viscera, as I have with you.  I hope that I have not grown more foolish with age, and I don’t believe I have, I have taken something of a vanguard approach to our involvement and have felt some very deep and surprising things as a result  –>

and I do not believe this is some solely insular, self invented experience.  Even if some falling out transpires while this is en route to you.  It will not change the fact of what has already occurred.    While, perhaps, some practical elements of our wrkings together have yet to be addressed  in action, I believe we hold a lot of potential for each other and I plan on delivering to you all i can with the fullest of my abilities.  I hope you should feel the same gratification in giving of yourself, as I do you.  I want us to prove to each other that this is no vain whim.  I know I have not only a lot I can offer you, but the willingness to do so.  You have already proven that you offer qualities that I have found no parallel to in my former experiences and I would like to continue to discover the unique and encouraging make up of your character.  Stay open and present with me.  Never accept inaction out of fear of failure with me, I want you to risk what is necessary to fully express who you are with me and who you want to be… I will promise the same.

I will be thinking of you

-Bryn

忘れる

to forget

there is no such thing as caution in my world.

どして

helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot helovesme helovesmenot

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

He loves me

He loves me not

h
elov

es

m

e

,

You hang up on me now.

I am just a whole.

I’m so done.

“you’re wonderful.”

*shakes head*

“you’re not wonderful?”

*shakes head*

“I don’t think you’re wonderful?”

*shakes head*

“why are you shaking your head?”

*shakes head*

oKAY, if that’s how you want it.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels

you eat like a dog eleanor

Sorry man I gotta a gut slit me fucking ran away with my abortionist

My little eyes blacked you know gizzed with

The knife they used to gut my face in

It’s been out stabbing baby baby angels in

Smile smile



allowed foods:
salad
rice krispie treats
orangina
chicken
wraps
diet coke
sandwiches?

verboten:
red plum
sugars
carbs

I want lipo.

bitch

Ran at the gym, 2.5 miles or more.

Ate salad, pasta, a little turkey, a little cottage cheese, and fruit.  Maybe I will have a rice krispie bar.

fatty

I’m so fucking obese

Arf arf arf arf

Listening to Hole has become an almost spiritual experience.  A necessary purging.

I have been drawing pugs and worrying that I have HIV, despite the utter implausibility of something like that happening.  I’d kill myself (seriously) if I gave BB an STI.

woof woof

sorry my dog is chained outside

going to die

you’re too delicate

i just didn’t have the heart

now what will i do

 

oh

god

deep reflection on those close to you is dangerous

delicate

dangerous

 

volatile

when you fall for the garbage man, you wind up in the

garbage

 

6:39:05 PM Bryn: and every day is a risk
6:39:16 PM Bryn: but it isnt like “just lunge out and do whatever”
6:39:24 PM Ellie: thats so depressing….
6:39:29 PM Bryn: unless you want that sort of entropy and lack of cumulative worth
6:39:31 PM Ellie: every day is an opportunity
6:39:47 PM Ellie: entropy and lack of cumulative worth?
6:39:54 PM Bryn: if you never calculate your actions
6:40:17 PM Bryn: chnaces are that it will not really amount to a collective reward
6:40:27 PM Bryn: unless youve got some amazing luck
6:40:46 PM Bryn: people who count solely on luck are people i dont admire or identify with
6:40:55 PM Bryn: and kind of just seem disposable
6:41:28 PM Ellie: you can’t mean that

 

my only successes were when i trusted in luck

i’m so disposable

and i just lunge out

and i just do whatever