i’ve been saying yes

when i should have been saying no.

I’m trying to remember where I am in life. Careening towards a career.

I need to have some fun. I know I say this a lot, but… I miss the Acad.  I’m so unimaginative lately.  I’ve been doing things for the approval of other people.  Listening to music for the approval of other people.  I need a break from my current context.  Too bad life isn’t like a video game–sick of the stupid underwater level?  Just play a different level for a change of pace.

I used to not worry about legitimacy.  My imagination died.  I still fantasize, but never about things that amuse me anymore.

the wind has been knocked right out of me.  learning respect has made me dead and uncreative like everyone else.  no more pressure on yourself.  no more.

you have no fucking spine

minnie makes me want to kill myself

i dont get to inhabit her world

it was always on your terms

i have nothing valuable in my body, in my casing, nothing innocent or good or unhorrible, it’s all revolting

the truth

i liked myself before i met you

had I been what you liked, you never would have found me

I hardly remember anything about this relationship

Because I’ve never shared anything with you

no more.

just ask actors

identity is all a matter  of styling

the thing you feel most strongly about in the whole world

the thing you feel most strongly about in the whole world

the thing that makes you joyful and tearful and intense and breaks your heart

someone else is completely indifferent to that thing

so don’t share with anyone

do what you want regardless of who notices

birdie,

i relate.

revel in it or change

I am wary of posting The Email to any sort of blog simply because I am afraid that my friends will sympathize with her.

In some ways, yeah, she’s right, which is scary.  But even idiots are right some of the time.

& I’m still an awful, awful person.

but

I wonder if I’d feel that much better about myself if I were good.

bad to the bone.

not going to come to you with any problems, because you always get hysterical.  chill out. excuses, excuses.  if i didn’t take shortcuts, i wouldn’t need any excuses.

I’m such a child

And the exact opposite of what I present myself as.